For 3 weeks it had been weighing on my mind.  I was trying to think how I could get out of it.  I could call in sick.  I could have someone else do it.  I could say that we were not ready yet.  So many options.  I needed to have an out.

It was only for 10 minutes, but I still have to stand up in front of group of people and speak.  I have already had panic attacks in other situations where I felt trapped, and now was I entering another one.  In the words of Seth Godin, my Lizard Brain was on full alert and the fight or flight engine was just getting revved up . . .

When I was growing up, I was a little on the shy side.  I was very comfortable doing things more independently and often by myself.  As I grew, I became more involved with sports and other activities, which were more “social” by nature.  I never gravitated to grabbing the spotlight, and I was more comfortable staying behind the scenes.  I wasn’t a big risk taker and avoided situations that would would put the spotlight on me.

As I entered my teen years, girls entered the scene.  To say I was attracted to girls was an understatement.  In order to navigate this new world, I needed to change my game plan.  Since I was not naturally adept at social situations, something had to change.  That change took the form of smoking, drinking, and drugs.  Drinking was especially helpful in letting down my guard.  I participated in parties by dancing like Fred Astaire (or so I fondly remember), entering into conversations with other girls gracefully (in my own mind at least), and basically having the confidence in myself that I could never muster on my own.

From the age of 15 to the age of 40, drinking and drugs became a way of life.  Then a miracle happened.  I surrendered my life to Jesus and everything changed.  I mean everything!  I stopped the drinking, smoking, drugs, swearing, etc. that were a part of my life for 25 years.  I have been free from all of that for 10 years now.

Because through most of my adult life, I was able to navigate social situations with a little help from the bottle, I now was on my own.  In all these situations, I was now sober.  I had never learned how to effectively do this.  I avoided them.  Now I am picking up where my 15-year old brain left off.

I have never had panic attacks, heart palpitations, or claustrophobic feelings before, but in the past 10 years, I have had quite a few.  My brain had not been properly trained and when I entered situations that were new (to the sober mind), it went on tilt. In almost every way, the last 10 years have been the best of my life, but in this, it has been a struggle.  Avoidance was not going to win forever.  The last thing I wanted to do was make an a** of myself also.  What if I had a panic attack in the middle of a presentation!  Oh my gosh, I would be so humiliated!  I could not let that happen!

So fast forward to my meeting the other week.  I wanted to present.  I had something to say.  My mind was struggling.  I wanted to be there, I didn’t want to be there.  I practiced my presentation half a dozen times.  I was nervous.  I had someone do it with me,  and I put a couple of things in place to help me get over my Lizard Brain.  It was show time.  I went to the meeting and made my presentation.  Once I got started, I was fine.  The nerves left and things started to flow.

One of the things that have helped me immensely during all of this is prayer.  I pray, and I have Julie, my wife, pray for me before I have to present.  I trust that the Lord is going to bring me through those situations and He is always faithful to show up just when I need it.  He is never early and never late, always right on time.  The only thing that is lacking is my faith that He will help me through.  I have to exercise it each time.

I continue to believe that my mind is renewed and I am learning the things I never fully walked through when I was younger.  The story does not conclude with a nice tidy bow wrapped around it.  Our lives are like a line, not a snapshot.  Maybe next time I will make an a** of of myself, maybe not.   Where I am today is different from where I was yesterday and from where I will be tomorrow.  I just know that the future is brighter and I can’t wait to be a part of it.